I don’t know, there are days when I feel bad, as if I am empty inside, as if I have been betrayed, while I myself have betrayed. I feel wronged, even though I have wronged others. It’s like I was supposed to take a place that I wanted without deserving it, and without wanting it, but at the same time wanting it to be given to me. I am lazy at work, I show no interest, I argue, I complain—one thing annoys me, the other stinks. I threaten them directly that I will leave, without having any other solution. Without knowing what I want and why I want it, and even if I know, I am not willing to earn it or to deserve it. I wait for everything to be given to me, as if I deserve it because I am tired of everything. And it might come, and maybe it will come, but do I deserve it? And if it comes, if I don’t deserve it and lose it again? I am only 25, but I feel like I have died twice, that I have been defeated twice.

 But what constitutes a winner? Countless defeats? Do I have to go through all these defeats to reach my destination, or are they just pieces of the puzzle leading to my destruction? And ultimately, what is betrayal? Is it to do everything for someone who continuously harms you, forcing you to find your peace in other arms, or is it to try to make sure that nothing is lacking for this person whom you are loyal to and good to, leading them to betray you? What is worse: to allow someone to stab you or to stab them yourself?

I don’t know. I grew up in a world where you often can’t trust even yourself, because that’s how we are. We do what we can and use whoever we can, and the same happens to us. But we are selective when it happens to us; if it’s a friend or family, it’s betrayal. If it’s a stranger, we expected it and overlook it. We expect our loved ones to overlook their ego, to kill it for our sake, but isn’t that selfish? And then we destroy friendships of years, we don’t talk to loved ones for years, we distance ourselves from family—why? So that our ego doesn’t die. In the end, what is worse: to die as a good person or to live as a monster?